Life and Love Imbued with Paradox

Let us appreciate paradox for a moment, because we seem to live in a world of “too much” and “not enough” at the same time. A single person as far as we can tell contains infinity. For example, can we truly quantify a person’s thoughts over a lifetime? Can we even reliably know precisely when one thought ends and another begins? The mind’s content, and how that content works, is largely a mystery, though we may get clues to what is happening in the form of language, expression, creation, and observable behavior. It’s safe to say that the mind’s content is incredibly expansive, yet it all exists in a single entity at a time. That to me is a fascinating paradox.

Comparisons of “enough”

If I’m here, that means simultaneously I’m not anywhere else. My present existence contrasts with the fact that I don’t exist anywhere besides right here and right now (subject to change of course). Technically this means I, a single entity, am lacking in a numerical sense. It’s strange that I can feel complete, maybe even infinite (refer to the comments about thoughts above), yet know I am speck in the cosmos. When we consider ourselves in terms of scale, relative to something(s) much larger, we are essentially nearly nothing.

And yet, for those of us who are fortunate, we find ourselves in this state of “nearly nothing” while having everything we need. Many of us find that having everything we need is not the same as literally having it all. The concept of “enough” means that one’s own version of “everything” only needs to go as far as core needs and a fulfilled sense of purpose. I can be a happy speck in the universe. That satisfaction can mean everything to me.

We try very hard to make sense of our lives. Every thought has the potential to branch off in one of countless ways. In fact, a common manifestation of overwhelm is the generation of compounding thoughts that become more difficult to manage the longer the spiral lasts. Fear has a way of running wild with the pressure of infinite possibilities. When pushed, “enough” seems unobtainable. This is one example of living in a state of “too much” (i.e., mental spirals) and “not enough” (i.e., a lack of relief, solutions, closure, etc.) at the same time.

Expectations for living

It’s not uncommon that I encounter someone with strong opinions about what they’re “supposed to be.” This can be a vague sentiment and one that can too easily be rigged to the detriment of the thinker. Someone who comments about how they don’t meet an expectation may have concluded that who they are supposed to be will always be someone they aren’t. By default, they are in the wrong according to this point of view. Even in success, the self-deprecating individual can construct a narrative that makes that success feel illegitimate.

Self-loathing, the inverse of narcissism. It’s comparatively easier to direct outrage to the cruelty of narcissism than it is toward self-inflicted cruelty. To confront a self-loathing person almost feels like adding strife to someone already suffering. This type of challenge takes a more delicate touch, though it is important to recognize that what we see here is cruelty all the same.

All of this is to say that my encouragement is for you to think as to whether you hold onto any rigged rules of conduct or judgement. For example, if you are an exception to the conviction that all people are worthy of kindness, then there is an inherent lapse in living congruently with your values. This is not a criticism. It is a prompt for reflection. I admit, the concept of self-love can easily come off as a hollow platitude since those suggesting its embrace can at times lack consideration for the enormous effort it can take to build this attitude, one of self-love, up.

Encouragement with consideration

Of course, my hope nonetheless is for self-love to be present, as much as you can have in fact, just without any suggestions that this is something a person can simply turn on and off. Many things precede a solid sense of self-love. It is not uncommon for the feelings and the effort to not happen at the same time. It sometimes may be necessary to view the principle of it as a primary focus as opposed to the reward feeling. Loving oneself is rewarding, though upholding the meaning of it in our actions is what lets us access the reward, even if that part comes later.

There’s a little paradox for you. I may loathe myself but want to love myself as a way to escape the heavy feelings of loathing. I may also conclude that acts of self-love can only come after the feelings are already there. This conclusion is logical, though it also acts as a barrier to breaking the pattern. A person who loves themselves will act like it since the motivating force is already present. The person who does not, what are they left to do?

For everyone else, the buy-in is not feelings of self-love in order to allow acts of self-love. Instead, the motivating force can be a desire to have relief from misery, which all the same benefit from acts of self-love. Perhaps those rewarding feelings will eventually emerge.

 It takes courage to seek clarity

Being confused at life is not a personal failure. I’ve seen some very smart people falling short of the answers they seek. All of us “fall short” at one point or another. I find comfort in seeing the struggle to make sense of life as something universal. Of course, each person’s attempts at clarity will be different. We may never know all there is to know about all things, but we may also find ourselves enjoying the answers we do find. As we accrue knowledge, let us find joy in the power of seeking. Let us not be discouraged by the myth of absolute completion.