Appreciating Weird

I sometimes find myself thinking about “life enhancers,” those things that invoke a certain enjoyment or satisfaction. Music does this in powerful ways and may very well be one of the best examples of a life enhancer. I like taking inventory of this because it helps me feel that when things are hard, I have a ready set of experiences, stimuli, etc., that I could maybe tap into. Call it an attempt at gratitude, as well as a staging for trying to better a moment with something tried and true.

Just as important is the lens through which things are experienced. Another term for this is attitude, something that comes in all shapes and sizes. An attitude can be good or bad. It is the priming that informs much of how an experience feels. Our mood affects our attitude and vice versa.

So, we have a given life enhancer as well as the “mode” through which we experience it. While this makes possibilities endless, I’d like to focus on the concept of “weird” as an attitude and how we could potentially benefit from it. Before I go any further, I’ll acknowledge that there is such a thing as “too weird” to the point of being quite uncomfortable and/or dysfunctional. The name of the game is getting all things in just the right amounts.

When standards punish

Let’s imagine a person who finds themselves in the other extreme of weird, solely motivated by what they construe is an acceptable standard of behavior that is consequently too rigid. Having expectations of acting appropriately is not a bad thing, though there are examples of individuals scrutinizing themselves so much that a lot of energy and stress goes into whether they will be perceived as “normal/good” or “normal/good enough.” This is when thoughtfulness turns into a shame-driven set of beliefs in which one dreads that they are always on the verge of being written off as undesirable. Having a healthy sense of normal is good, but carrying the weight of feeling that one is always on trial takes a toll.

Being comfortable in one’s own skin is liberating and I hope we can all be flexible with who we give ourselves permission to be. Of course, we are all at the receiving end of all kinds of opinionated feedback that is very ready to criticize. Hear a negative message enough times, and you’re likely to feel discouraged or hurt. Processing what people say to you can be a thought piece of its own, so I won’t go into too much detail about this. The summarized version is this: it is possible to strive toward rebalancing the perceived authority of opinions. Reclaiming one’s own authority to come to conclusions that stand firmly despite outside criticisms is a challenging effort but a worthy one.

Expanding the reach of our thinking

Back to weird. Adopted as an attitude, it can serve as a largely non-judgmental way to carry oneself. By definition, it is a subversion of conventions and therefore the range of possibilities for what a person can let themselves be or do is widened considerably with it. This can be exciting territory for exploration, adding depth to experience through an innovative way of looking at life. Something overly sterile is predictable, yes, but may take away from the ability to branch out creatively or have an alternate yet profound new perspective on something.

Here’s the thing: inevitably most of us will have to resume the role of the persona that is necessary for something like work, school, polite society, etc. It’s okay to uphold these standards as is relevant to the setting. My encouragement is that we allow the less refined and manufactured parts of ourselves to also have a voice when the setting doesn’t strictly have procedures and rules laid out. This is all in service of authenticity and self-acceptance.

What are you hiding?

I once heard someone explain that they enjoyed drinking because it allowed them to act in a way they wouldn’t otherwise. This struck me as a little tragic because it seems to imply that acting more “out there” needed an alibi. Granted, I didn’t ask what specific actions this person wanted to pin on alcohol, but they struck me as someone who didn’t do anything that got them in trouble. I interpreted this comment as them positing that they felt they needed to point to a chemically altered state of mind to legitimize an expression of something they’d otherwise keep to themselves. I’m left to wonder what was so forbidden about the drunken behavior or comments this person was referring to. This is but one example of someone who I’ve encountered that felt the need to explain themselves for stepping outside of their idealized persona.  

Shame is a nasty feeling. As a therapist, I’d prefer people to lean into a weird attitude over them carrying the weight of a cruel sense of shame. It just seems healthier. This does not come at the cost of checking yourself so that you’re not doing anything harmful. It just takes the conversation or moment in a different direction, one that can even be fun. As long as we’re all safe and still willing to be responsible in our lives, is that so bad?

Weird as kindness amidst the tough stuff

I also think embodying weird has its uses for interpreting misfortune as it can soften the situation by including a humorous edge to it. There is a line for this of course as serious tragedy or trauma may not be as available to this kind of attitude. Let’s still be tasteful. We can reserve this application for lower stakes situations that still suck plenty.

For example, sometimes I can take some of the sting out of a bad moment by writing it off as ridiculous, absurd, or stupid with some fun hyperbole mixed in. I can make fun of the situation as a way to get back at fate for doing me dirty. Does that change fate? Nope. But it lets me get through with feeling a little more agency over my attitude. After I’ve done all that I can to be proactive and explore my options for rectification, sometimes my next move is to retain as much silliness as possible so that perhaps the situation does not feel as serious. By conventional standards, I believe doing this is going pretty off script. In my experience though, this ends up helping with the perceived severity of it all.

Final thoughts on wearing weird for a sense of freedom

It’s okay to be weird, it’ll even make you an interesting person. Definitely don’t be intrusive or inappropriate along the way to where you disregard the boundaries of others. See it more as carrying your words and actions with style. Not everyone will be into it, but maybe that’s their loss. Overly judgmental people miss out on all of life’s colorful possibilities just because their buy-in for what is acceptable is painfully and arbitrarily high. Don’t do this to yourself. We never want to add extra rules to something already challenging if we can avoid it.

You may have noticed that I didn’t give any examples of “weird” behavior I want you to try. I did this on purpose because a part of me felt that giving an example may come off as a script to follow, which then becomes antithetical to the point. My emphasis is more on the attitude that helps us sometimes step away from the “shoulds” of life, without feeling that you failed as a person. Let us be responsible, accomplished, and organized, but not at the complete sacrifice of the ability to be spontaneous, silly, and different.